with mixed feelings, i took a walk today.
there are days i throughly enjoy a good walk, but today was one i didn't want to embark on.
but i took it anyways.
partly because i was forced, and partly because my emotions were boiling up inside of me and i needed the fresh air.
this week has not been a good one. half of me thinks i was due for a melt down and the other half says it just isn't fair, regardless the week proved itself more than once that it was not gonna be a good one. but its hard to say that, because there have been many good things about this week as well.
but as i walked, i realized how most of all people who own cars do not realize what people who don't have them do every day. i believe we definitely take our transportation for granted every time we step on the gas pedal.
a couple days ago my check engine light went on. since i got my car, it has gone on and off sporadically. plus i just got my oil checked, so i thought nothing of it. but it wasn't nothing. it started to lose power as i would press on the gas pedal and it would jerk back and forth like the indiana jones ride in disney land. and although that is my favorite ride in the whole world, i was not a fan of this one. it scared me half to death, because i didn't know when it might stop and start again. i found myself pulling off to the side of the road multiple times. and utterly frustrated with the whole situation. midterms have been going on in the past few weeks, and i am desperately trying to get straight A's this semester. stressed out, tired, and frustrated i had no patience to deal with my car let alone all the things that would come along with fixing it.
ask anyone, i am not a fan of asking people for rides. i hate it. if there is one thing in the world i do not like its asking people for rides. im a people pleaser and because driving is already an inconvenience at times, i dont want to add to anyone else's. so i called my dad (who now lives in texas because of a job change) and told him my situation, but because i was not in the best mood i wasnt the nicest to him. and because i woke him up (time change) he wasnt the nicest to me either. he was telling me that i needed to ask my friends for help, because i would do the same exact thing for them, but its not the answer i wanted to hear. somehow i wanted him to magically fix my car while being thousands of miles away.
i cried, i yelled, i apologized and hung up. i cried some more and jerked the steering wheel back and forth. and screamed some more. i made it home, thankfully. determined the next day would be better.
i stayed up until 3am that morning. i studied for a test, finished two papers, and finished 12 page midterm. i woke up late the next day and rushing to work. barely missing my roommate as she left the house, i quickly asked her for a ride to work. she agreed, and i sat red eyed and tired at work. i then asked Shady to take me to school. she agreed, and we rushed to school in hopes of finding a parking space, and if you know anything about UNLV parking, you know it is horrid. well on this day, TWO of the lots were closed, forcing Shady to park in a spot that wasnt even a real parking spot, but what could she do?
we quickly made it towards the computer lab where i had to print everything out, 2 assignments made it through the printer, but the 12 page midterm was giving me trouble, the computer told me about an error or something, i was getting more frustrated by the minute. after some troubleshooting it finally printed. because Shady drove me to school, and because i was craving it, i promised her some starbucks, but like always the line was extremely long. thinking it would go by quickly i stood, waited, ordered, and waited some more. it took long enough to make us both late to our classes.
i sat in french dozing off, anxiously waiting for the class to end. we took our midterm the week before and got our scores back that day. if you know me pretty well, i have been working my butt off in that class. on every quiz and test i always mange to get 88s or 89s but never and A. i studied so hard for the midterm that i was speaking french in my dreams (literally). so drowsy, and unsatisfied with my starbucks i looked at my test score.
...... 90%
yes, I know its an A. but it made me laugh out loud a little that what i got was one point above what i have been getting all along. regardless i am very thankful. and know that a 90% isnt too shabby when it comes to learning a foreign language, especially french.
my classes are about 15 min a part, and it takes about 10 min to get to each one, i left french in hopes of having just enough time to grab a scantron for my film midterm and make it to english on time. i walked up to the counter with a nice big sign on it saying:
CURRENTLY OUT OF SCANTRONS
WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE
the frustration really started to build, politely, I asked the lady at the desk when they might get more scantrons in. she said, probably the next day but that i could purchase them at the student store, but i didn't have time to go to the store. so i walked quickly to my English class hoping that some one might have one, and thankfully they did. but then i got a text from my friend in film who needed one too, so some how i ended up with two without having to ask the same person. thank you jesus.
my film midterm was cake. and i was ecstatic about that. and ryan gave me a ride home. the day was over, i was soo happy. i immediately took a shower, and went to sleep.
this morning was nice, i woke up late, had a dream about being in London and filming a movie some how with an awesome camera. i called the dealership to see if i could bring my car in, but i called the wrong one, and had to call the right one. when I did they told me I could bring it in right away. praying the whole way there i made it in one piece. the nice man at the counter named James took my information and made a comment about the elephant on my key chain. he put me at ease. i waited there for almost two hours before James called me up again...
he said the crank sensor was broken....????
and the belt had to be replace...?????
he also said that the part they needed had to be sent for, meaning they would have to keep my car for the next few days (at least.)
leaving me with a bill of about $650.
my day was okay until then.
I didn't know what to think everything bottled up inside was ready to explode. Shady came to my rescue, and picked me up from the dealership. I called my Dad right before she arrived to tell him the news. I felt bad, because he felt bad about not being able to help. I told him i could pay half the bill, I didnt want him to pay for all of it, but the sadness in his voice hit me really hard. I started to tear up, but I said goodbye without him noticing.
After I hung up, I started to bawling....
Everything hit me, I don't even know what, or how but I just broke in half.
Poor Shady had to listen to me cry, but I am so thankful it was her that was there to just listen, and be my friend.
I made her cake the evening before and we ate tid bits here and there, but mostly talked about crazy people who give stupid parking tickets (she got one that day) and how yummy cake is, and my ride situation.
Like always, she made me laugh which helped more than she knows.
I am going to Biola next week to attend their Mission Conference and so one of my friends (Connie McComb one of the best ever) is lending me an air mattress to sleep on in the dorms while I'm there. So the plan was to go pick up at the Church today. I don't have a car. So I decided to stick to the plans and walk there. The Church is only a few miles away and I thought a walk might be a good thing.
Which brings me back to walking, I started my walk with some music. And for some reason when I find a song I like, I like to play it over and over again. As I was doing that, I watched the sun fall into the mountains and I actually smelled some flowers for the first time in a long time. It was an extremely nice picture.
But as I was almost to the church, I felt something hit me on my arm. I turned around, and back again and saw that some guy threw something out his window with intentions of hitting me.
I couldn't believe it.
Just as I was starting to be okay with things. Just as I was re-opening up to God about all the things that had happened this week. My first instinct was to grab a huge rock and throw it at their window, but I didn't I just stared. I couldn't imagine if I was the person who saw this happen to someone else and had time to do something about it. I would of screamed.
But lets just say that it pretty much threw off my groove.
But going on the walk I realized one thing. Not talking to God was kind of inevitable, and I avoided it for that very reason.
If you noticed, I rarely went to God in all the situations I faced in the last few days. And if I did go to Him, it was in anger. Lately, I haven't felt "moved" by anything. I just go about my day, trying to cross things off my to-do list as fast as I can. I'm selfish. I don't listen, I'm a hypocrite, and I cuss when im angry. I've been upset with myself, and God because I haven't felt like He has helped me much. But only if there was a word to describe how truly wrong I am.
Just about a week ago, I listened to a sermon from my favorite church up in Colorado called Flatirons Church Community. http://www.flatironschurch.com/messages/messages.php And it was all about troubles, and pain, and how even hard times will come when you have a relationship with Christ. Oblivious, I put it off, thinking that doesn't apply to me right now, my life is awesome. Granted, these problems I just ranted about are miniscule to the many hardships people face every day and for that I must be extremely grateful. But internally these tiny things can really mess me up. Physically, I have never had very hard troubles in my life. My parents are still alive, I'm healthy, I have food on the table and a roof over my head. But emotionally, I have suffered greatly. My parents divorce wrecked a lot of things and distorted the true meaning of love. My Mom's emotional abuse and own depression only sunk me lower into the ground. My Dads alcoholism effected me in many ways growing up. My anxiety has had me in ups and downs since my Freshman year of High School, and I am still lost about what to do about it. Internally I hurt. And I think we all do. But thankfully, we have Christ to save us.
"You will have troubles." Whether you know they are coming, or unexpectedly , you could be walking and have them thrown right at you. But they will exist.
And I am not perfect, I don't always cling to God when I need Him most. And I don't always trust that He is going to follow through. But because of His great love, and grace He will always catch us when we fall. He will always follow through. He will always love us.
And what could be better than that?
I would have no idea where I would be today if Christ didn't love me the way that He does.
I would not be forgiven for all the eff bombs I laid today thats for sure..... totally just kidding.....kinda.
But over and over Christ continues to prove to me how amazing He is, and no words can describe how grateful I am. I just hope and pray that I will always be a light that shines in the darkness, one that doesn't throw stones but throws love until my arm is sore. I also pray that things that wrap around my head and distract me from my one and only goal: Love. run away in fear. Its not easy, but it is possible.
I also pray that I pray more. For you, for me, for kids who throw things out car windows. For every one.
I love this life Christ has given me, and I hope you love yours too.
I don't know much, but I do know this:
You are loved, and that is all that matters.
Thank you for reading this novel... :D
In His great love,
-Jill
P.S As I turned around to walk home, Shady called me telling me that she had to drop her brother off at the church and was wondering if I wanted her to pick up the air mattress, I laughed, and said no. She turned my way and saved me once again, and drove me home.
When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners. Now, most people would not be willing to die for an upright person, though someone might perhaps be willing to die for a person who is especially good. But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.
Romans 5: 6-8
