Wednesday, May 13, 2009

these summer nights. (blim blam)

i really enjoy the summer, but not for its days, for its nights. this summer, is a little different. i spend a lot of the nights alone, but thats okay... sometimes. but, i just love em. i love driving at night with my windows down while listening to slow music, as the lights pass, and the smell of wet grass engulfs my car. i love the sound of walking, while crickets play their consistent symphonies anonymously hidden behind the shadows. i love the never ending twinkle of the city lights, and the cool breeze that occasionally blows giving you the chills. i miss the days where summer nights seemed so cool, and you were lucky if you got to stay out after the street lights went out. i miss the nights where camping in your back yard was cool. i miss sitting on the roof and gazing at the few stars the las vegas sky brought in. i like that summer nights always bring you back to summer before, or the summer before that. i love the memories it brings, i miss how life used to be. i miss the late nights when no body seemed to stir and it felt like we were the only ones awake. i love the quietness of night, and the peace it brings. sometimes, i wish it would last forever.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

oh my,

Jesus I love you.

such a lover, a giver, a listener, and a healer.

my everything.

my all in all.

not to mention God of the whole universe.

i just can't get enough.

now, i know he wrote this as a letter but just imagine Paul saying this out loud to the people of Ephesus:
This is why it says: "when he ascended he took many captives and gave gifts to his people" (what does "he acended mean except that he also descended to the lower, earthly regions?! He who descended is the very one who ascended higher than all the heavens, in order to fill the whole universe!! Ephesians 4:8-10

*I added the exclamation points : P

Our God is so big, bigger than all the worries in the world times two!

like i said, Jesus I love you.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Jesus ONLY

I was just brushing my teeth and a kind of random idea popped into my head...

a challenge really.

today, and for as long as I can I want to challenge myself to limit the time I spend on the computer, or watching TV.

it's not a very uncommon thing, I'm sure people try this every day.

but I would really like to spend more time on more important things (like my soul).

i have been a reck lately, up and down like a roller coaster, but i believe some real Jesus time will help. (duhh..)

i want to honestly and whole heartedly seek out the heart of Jesus with everything I've got, and things like blogging, facebook, and myspace have become some of my own distractions, and I don't think I ever considered them to be until now.

I almost negotiated with myself by doing this after school ended, but starting now is even better.

I NEED Jesus. not a social network.

I NEED to show the world the real Jesus through my actions, not my time spent watching TV.

and don't get me wrong these aren't bad things, just things I need to put away for a while.

so here it goes...

and honest to goodness i have know idea how long this might last, and nor do I need to blog about it, but it never hurts to have people who can keep you accountable.

nonetheless, I am really excited for the outcome.

Jesus here I come!


36 When one of the Pharisees invited Jesus to have dinner with him, he went to the Pharisee's house and reclined at the table. 37 A woman in that town who lived a sinful life learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee's house, so she came there with an alabaster jar of perfume.38 As she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.

    39 When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, "If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is—that she is a sinner."

    40 Jesus answered him, "Simon, I have something to tell you." 
       "Tell me, teacher," he said.

    41 "Two people owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii,a]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[a] and the other fifty. 42 Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he forgave the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?"

    43 Simon replied, "I suppose the one who had the bigger debt forgiven." 
       "You have judged correctly," Jesus said.

    44 Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, "Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. 45 You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. 46 You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. 47 Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little."

    48 Then Jesus said to her, "Your sins are forgiven."

    49 The other guests began to say among themselves, "Who is this who even forgives sins?"

    50 Jesus said to the woman, "Your faith has saved you; go in peace."

Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades.

 From the inside out Lord, my soul cries out. 

Friday, April 10, 2009

ears and the sunrise.

okay, so i used to think surgery was cool. like everything the media fed you and more. but i've come to find out that i am dead wrong (almost literally). 

my ear hurts. 

 it more than hurts. it throbs. it makes weird noises, and feels like there is a sharp rock on the side of my head. its the reason i am now addicted to pain pills. also the reason why i am up at 5am. its the reason i cant wash my hair until sunday! its the reason for my bad moods, and angry blog too. 

i tried taking a picture, but decided not to post it. but if you can imagine some one ripping your ear off and gluing it back together, you'd get the picture. 

i had what is called a Mastoidectomy/T-Plasty which pretty much means they cut open my ear and removed all the built up scar tissue and icky stuff from years and years of previous ear infections. 

it sucks. 

but, don't get me wrong. i am so thankful that i was even able to have the operation. also i know that people suffer much worse from stuff i cant even begin to imagine. which makes me the least credible in writing a whinny blog. but even a small annoying ear operation shows me that Jesus never intended for us to experience pain. but we do. and i believe its one thing that allows us to question our faith almost every day. but, He too, suffered. He felt the pain of all pain. and like Him, we must pick up our crosses and carry them to the top of the mountain everyday. 

and the cool thing is.... we are not alone.

i cant wait until the healing process is over, but i wouldn't miss it if it meant realizing over again what Christ has done for me in His pain and suffering. 

here is some scripture that goes along with my self-meddling:

23Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.  -Luke 9:23

10 I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11 and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.
-Philippians 3:10-12   (got this one from Tanita's blog today)  : )

but hey!  at least i get to see the sunrise! : D

and like most pain, i know it will all be worth it in the end. 

Happy Good Friday everyone.

love, Jill

Monday, March 16, 2009

i love the spring.

here in Vegas the beginning signs of spring are showing and its wonderful. 
yesterday, i went for a run and different smells of spring when i was younger flowed in and out of my lungs, it made running so much more refreshing than usual. 

i am so spoiled. i wake up to this every morning: 

now it may not look that beautiful, but when the sun pokes through it is, and i love it. its so much better than your neighbors window. 

and i go to bed shortly after seeing this:

and now that its spring, i fully plan on doing this: (a lot)

i love the spring.
it brings everyone out.
people start smiling more. 
and it brings back memories of the springs before this one. 

don't get me wrong i love the winter... well vegas winter. especially cause it brings the season of  spring. it always gives nature one more chance to grow again. its amazing how God reveals Himself in the seasons too. like the winter, God always gives us one more chance to come back to life. 

13 And there was evening, and there was morning—the third day.

 14 And God said, "Let there be lights in the expanse of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark seasons and days and years, 15 and let them be lights in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth." And it was so. 

Genesis 1:13-17

i just love it. 

and i love Jesus.

and i love you. 

i leave for Biola tomorrow to attend their Mission Conference and I am all too excited about it.
also, i haven't been to California in a while and i'm excited to see everything again, and especially my sister, and marianna, and Biola. i'm sure i'll be blogging about the trip when i get back. 

p.s i got my car back, ptl, at a costly price, but i have it back, and thats what is important.

enjoy the weather.


Wednesday, March 11, 2009

i would walk 500 miles, and i would walk 500 more....

with mixed feelings, i took a walk today. 

there are days i throughly enjoy a good walk, but today was one i didn't want to embark on. 

but i took it anyways.

 partly because i was forced, and partly because my emotions were boiling up inside of me and i needed the fresh air. 

this week has not been a good one. half of me thinks i was due for a melt down and the other half says it just isn't fair, regardless the week proved itself more than once that it was not gonna be a good one. but its hard to say that, because there have been many good things about this week as well. 

but as i walked, i realized how most of all people who own cars do not realize what people who don't have them do every day. i believe we definitely take our transportation for granted every time we step on the gas pedal. 

a couple days ago my check engine light went on. since i got my car, it has gone on and off sporadically. plus i just got my oil checked, so i thought nothing of it. but it wasn't nothing. it started to lose power as i would press on the gas pedal and it would jerk back and forth like the indiana jones ride in disney land. and although that is my favorite ride in the whole world, i was not a fan of this one. it scared me half to death, because i didn't know when it might stop and start again. i found myself pulling off to the side of the road multiple times. and utterly frustrated with the whole situation. midterms have been going on in the past few weeks, and i am desperately trying to get straight A's this semester. stressed out, tired, and frustrated i had no patience to deal with my car let alone all the things that would come along with fixing it. 

ask anyone, i am not a fan of asking people for rides. i hate it. if there is one thing in the world i do not like its asking people for rides. im a people pleaser and because driving is already an inconvenience at times, i dont want to add to anyone else's. so i called my dad (who now lives in texas because of a job change) and told him my situation, but because i was not in the best mood i wasnt the nicest to him. and because i woke him up (time change) he wasnt the nicest to me either. he was telling me that i needed to ask my friends for help, because i would do the same exact thing for them, but its not the answer i wanted to hear. somehow i wanted him to magically fix my car while being thousands of miles away. 

i cried, i yelled, i apologized and hung up. i cried some more and jerked the steering wheel back and forth. and screamed some more. i made it home, thankfully. determined the next day would be better.

i stayed up until 3am that morning. i studied for a test, finished two papers, and finished 12 page midterm. i woke up late the next day and rushing to work. barely missing my roommate as she left the house, i quickly asked her for a ride to work. she agreed, and i sat red eyed and tired at work. i then asked Shady to take me to school. she agreed, and we rushed to school in hopes of finding a parking space, and if you know anything about UNLV parking, you know it is horrid. well on this day, TWO of the lots were closed, forcing Shady to park in a spot that wasnt even a real parking spot, but what could she do? 

we quickly made it towards the computer lab where i had to print everything out, 2 assignments made it through the printer, but the 12 page midterm was giving me trouble, the computer told me about an error or something, i was getting more frustrated by the minute. after some troubleshooting it finally printed. because Shady drove me to school, and because i was craving it, i promised her some starbucks, but like always the line was extremely long. thinking it would go by quickly i stood, waited, ordered, and waited some more. it took long enough to make us both late to our classes. 

i sat in french dozing off, anxiously waiting for the class to end. we took our midterm the week before and got our scores back that day. if you know me pretty well, i have been working my butt off in that class. on every quiz and test i always mange to get 88s or 89s but never and A. i studied so hard for the midterm that i was speaking french in my dreams (literally). so drowsy, and unsatisfied with my starbucks i looked at my test score. 

...... 90%

yes, I know its an A. but it made me laugh out loud a little that what i got was one point above what i have been getting all along. regardless i am very thankful. and know that a 90% isnt too shabby when it comes to learning a foreign language, especially french.

my classes are about 15 min a part, and it takes about 10 min to get to each one, i left french in hopes of having just enough time to grab a scantron for my film midterm and make it to english on time. i walked up to the counter with a nice big sign on it saying:


the frustration really started to build, politely, I asked the lady at the desk when they might get more scantrons in. she said, probably the next day but that i could purchase them at the student store, but i didn't have time to go to the store. so i walked quickly to my English class hoping that some one might have one, and thankfully they did. but then i got a text from my friend in film who needed one too, so some how i ended up with two without having to ask the same person. thank you jesus. 

my film midterm was cake. and i was ecstatic about that. and ryan gave me a ride home. the day was over, i was soo happy. i immediately took a shower, and went to sleep. 

this morning was nice, i woke up late, had a dream about being in London and filming a movie some how with an awesome camera. i called the dealership to see if i could bring my car in, but i called the wrong one, and had to call the right one. when I did they told me I could bring it in right away. praying the whole way there i made it in one piece. the nice man at the counter named James took my information and made a comment about the elephant on my key chain. he put me at ease. i waited there for almost two hours before James called me up again...

he said the crank sensor was broken....????
and the belt had to be replace...?????

he also said that the part they needed had to be sent for, meaning they would have to keep my car for the next few days (at least.) 

leaving me with a bill of about $650.

my day was okay until then.

I didn't know what to think everything bottled up inside was ready to explode. Shady came to my rescue, and picked me up from the dealership. I called my Dad right before she arrived to tell him the news. I felt bad, because he felt bad about not being able to help. I told him i could pay half the bill, I didnt want him to pay for all of it, but the sadness in his voice hit me really hard. I started to tear up, but I said goodbye without him noticing. 

After I hung up, I started to bawling....

Everything hit me, I don't even know what, or how but I just broke in half.

Poor Shady had to listen to me cry, but I am so thankful it was her that was there to just listen, and be my friend.

I made her cake the evening before and we ate tid bits here and there, but mostly talked about crazy people who give stupid parking tickets (she got one that day) and how yummy cake is, and my ride situation.

Like always, she made me laugh which helped more than she knows. 

I am going to Biola next week to attend their Mission Conference and so one of my friends (Connie McComb one of the best ever) is lending me an air mattress to sleep on in the dorms while I'm there. So the plan was to go pick up at the Church today. I don't have a car. So I decided to stick to the plans and walk there. The Church is only a few miles away and I thought a walk might be a good thing. 

Which brings me back to walking, I started my walk with some music. And for some reason when I find a song I like, I like to play it over and over again. As I was doing that, I watched the sun fall into the mountains and I actually smelled some flowers for the first time in a long time. It was an extremely nice picture. 

But as I was almost to the church, I felt something hit me on my arm. I turned around, and back again and saw that some guy threw something out his window with intentions of hitting me.

I couldn't believe it. 

Just as I was starting to be okay with things. Just as I was re-opening up to God about all the things that had happened this week. My first instinct was to grab a huge rock and throw it at their window, but I didn't I just stared. I couldn't imagine if I was the person who saw this happen to someone else and had time to do something about it. I would of screamed. 

But lets just say that it pretty much threw off my groove. 

But going on the walk I realized one thing. Not talking to God was kind of inevitable, and I avoided it for that very reason. 

If you noticed, I rarely went to God in all the situations I faced in the last few days. And if I did go to Him, it was in anger. Lately, I haven't felt "moved" by anything. I just go about my day, trying to cross things off my to-do list as fast as I can. I'm selfish. I don't listen,  I'm a hypocrite, and I cuss when im angry. I've been upset with myself, and God because I haven't felt like He has helped me much. But only if there was a word to describe how truly wrong I am. 

Just about a week ago, I listened to a sermon from my favorite church up in Colorado called Flatirons Church Community. And it was all about troubles, and pain, and how even hard times will come when you have a relationship with Christ. Oblivious, I put it off, thinking that doesn't apply to me right now, my life is awesome. Granted, these problems I just ranted about are miniscule to the many hardships people face every day and for that I must be extremely grateful. But internally these tiny things can really mess me up. Physically, I have never had very hard troubles in my life. My parents are still alive, I'm healthy,  I have food on the table and a roof over my head. But emotionally, I have suffered greatly. My parents divorce wrecked a lot of things and distorted the true meaning of love. My Mom's emotional abuse and own depression only sunk me lower into the ground. My Dads alcoholism effected me in many ways growing up. My anxiety has had me in ups and downs since my Freshman year of High School, and I am still lost about what to do about it. Internally I hurt. And I think we all do. But thankfully, we have Christ to save us. 

"You will have troubles." Whether you know they are coming, or unexpectedly , you could be walking and have them thrown right at you. But they will exist. 

And I am not perfect, I don't always cling to God when I need Him most. And I don't always trust that He is going to follow through. But because of His great love, and grace He will always catch us when we fall. He will always follow through. He will always love us. 

And what could be better than that?

I would have no idea where I would be today if Christ didn't love me the way that He does. 
I would not be forgiven for all the eff bombs I laid today thats for sure..... totally just kidding.....kinda.

But over and over Christ continues to prove to me how amazing He is, and no words can describe how grateful I am. I just hope and pray that I will always be a light that shines in the darkness, one that doesn't throw stones but throws love until my arm is sore. I also pray that things that wrap around my head and distract me from my one and only goal: Love. run away in fear. Its not easy, but it is possible. 

I also pray that I pray more. For you, for me, for kids who throw things out car windows. For every one. 

I love this life Christ has given me, and I hope you love yours too. 
I don't know much, but I do know this:
You are loved, and that is all that matters. 

Thank you for reading this novel...  :D
In His great love,

P.S As I turned around to walk home, Shady called me telling me that she had to drop her brother off at the church and was wondering if I wanted her to pick up the air mattress, I laughed, and said no. She turned my way and saved me once again, and drove me home. 

When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners. Now, most people would not be willing to die for an upright person, though someone might perhaps be willing to die for a person who is especially good. But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. 
Romans 5: 6-8